Downer Alert

Downer Alert!! Warning- this is a DOWNER post. If you are not in the mood for a downer post then STOP READING NOW!

I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm tired?? I fell asleep on the couch last night before 10:30pm and didn't have to be up until 7am today so I know that is enough sleep. Maybe it's just a combo of lots of things. I'm just gonna list them all because sometimes looking at a LIST helps me sort out my brain.

1. WINTER! It's winter. I long for fresh air blowing through the house.

2. Headaches- I have way too many. The prescription I'm taking every day makes me feel sick/yucky every morning. Maybe this will lessen over time. I hope so. :)

3. My shoulder- don't think I've blogged about it yet. It's been hurting for about 11 weeks now. Not sure how I hurt it. Maybe it was the Tae Bo. It is so bad that it hurts to take off my shirt. I told Mike when it had been hurting for 6 weeks that I'd wait 2 more weeks and if it was still hurting I'd go to the doctor. So... I went. I went to the hospital and had an x-ray. It was fine. Went back to the doc again this past week still in lots of pain and he says I need an MRI. He thinks it's either my rotator cuff or the cartilage around the shoulder joint. Both issues would need surgery. But in the chance of a miracle I'll only need physical therapy. I am not concerned about surgery but the pain is ON MY NERVES! I'm not a big complainer and life does go on but it's been too long.

4. Jasper- it's time for the co-op again. I'm teaching a class this time. I don't enjoy working with the 3-5 year olds but somehow I always get stuck with that group. My class should be lots of fun so that part is good but it is a lot of work that I'm really not in the mood for.

5. Church- I'm not here to talk about the past tonight. What was done is done. I'm moving forward. We all are... trying. It's painful. Still... difficult. Like a death. I miss what was... but it changes nothing to think about it so I try to make myself stop it.

The Lord has led my family somewhere and I am trying really hard to "belong" there. At times I feel like things are great but then I'm reminded that still I am an outsider. I don't know the history of anything. I don't know people. I can't really be involved without membership. I don't have an overwhelming sense that I am welcome and ONE OF THE GANG. Sure everyone says the generic, "Hi. How are you?" but there is never a REAL conversation. And I realize it's only been a few months. I am probably expecting too much. It's just REALLY hard when for my entire life that I can remember I was part of a family and now I'm NOT! I want to feel the love. I want someone to miss me when I'm not there. I want to be needed. I want to be a friend to somebody. I want a connection.

I'm sure because this is typed here I will be misunderstood. I know it's not all about me. I know that I will make a friend if I AM a friend. I will make memories and have things to talk about over time once I'm involved more. Be patient. Have faith. I know all of these things. That doesn't mean I won't be discouraged now and then. I am.

I think I just need to find a way to serve. I don't like warming a pew. I want to do something. I don't like just showing up and sitting. I feel like I'm wasting time.

Oh well. I'm ending this blog. I know I have a lot more going on in my head but sometimes it's best just to STOP.

Last week at church I was really touched by the special music. I was feeling discouraed last week also and the Lord spoke to me during this song. I keep singing the chorus over and over all the time. Mike said to me today when we were fixing dinner, "You sing that song a lot lately." I told him that it encourages me. I will keep pressing on, listening for the Lord's voice, and finding a way to connect and serve. Maybe if you are feeling as I am you will like this song also.