WARNING! This blog entry will not be organized or well written AND I'm going to share my heart. If you aren't interested in it, don't read.
When I think of friendships I think of 5 different levels of relationships you can have with people. They are-
Level 1: You may or may not have eye contact. You may or may not smile. NO exchange of words at all.
Level 2: Generic, "Hi, how are you?" One sentence conversation in passing.
Level 3: A real conversation. Lasting at least one minute. Where you both equally exchange thoughts.
Level 4: You share something from your heart with someone- a prayer request. You are getting to know someone- digging deeper to find out about a person. When you are at a function you sit with them, they sit with you. They notice when you aren't there and they ask. You are comfortable with each other.
Level 5: When you have a JOY or a SORROW you call/e-mail this person because you trust them. You know them. They know you. You count on them. They are your F R I E N D. Not just a person you pass in the hall or office.
I am a people person. I want/need LOTS of friends. I want/need GOOD friendS. MULTIPLE!! In high school and middle school I had a TON of Level 3 friends/acquaintances. I'm not saying this to brag. Please don't take it the wrong way. I wasn't really part of a certain group. I didn't have a GROUP of good/best friends- Not much level 4 going on and certainly no level 5- thank goodness for the Lord and family. I was a "floater" who was friends with all sorts of people- cheerleaders, band members, athletes, choir peeps, smart kids, head bangers, stinky people, snobby people, weird people, drama club, etc. I felt comfortable in (almost) every group I was in.
In college it was MUCH easier. I had almost everything in common with about 90% of the people there. I easily made two Level 5 friends- Stephanie Hayes Sylvester-Johnson and Amy Ward Mathias. Even my roommate could have been a level 5 friend if I had given her the chance. (I was sort of a jerk- adjusting to being away from home for the first time. She lived with me so it was much harder. We didn't have the space you need with real BFFs.)
Anyway, college ends and everyone goes home. And if you go to college out of town then when you all go home you probably aren't going back to the same towns. That is what happened with me. Stephanie lives in Roanoke, VA and Amy lives in Coshocton, OH. Still, these girls are my BFFS- kindred spirits. I can go to them with any pain and they are right there sharing my burden.
And I haven't even mentioned my Mom or my Sisters. I am sure they know that they are obviously a Level 5 OR if I'd create a higher level they'd be in it for sure. I ♥ my Mom, Dawn, & Brooke.
Okay... drawing it back in...
This past Wednesday night after prayer group AND choir practice I went home feeling BLAH. I was feeling like I had almost all Level 1 & 2 encounters at church. (I did have ONE level 4 that night.) Anyway, I was in a "poor me" frame of mind. Thinking after 13 MONTHS, although I am serving a lot at church- always there, I haven't made any REAL FRIENDS- levels 4 & 5!! I still feel like if I wasn't there at all, everyone would be fine. Nobody would miss me. Nobody would think, "I sure wish Amy was here." or "I wanted to tell Amy something." I felt like after choir was over I walked invisibly out of the building.
After talking with Mike AND the Lord (and sleeping) I felt a tiny bit better. Still blah in the morning but my focus was better. (Keith & Kristyn Getty really help in that area. God has blessed them.) I asked God what I could do to help the situation. What would He want me to do? What am I doing wrong?
I was reminded once again that in order to have friends I must first BE a friend. So today before I went to church I decided that I would try my hardest to speak with as many people as I could at church. I would be positive. I would encourage where I could. I would STEP OUT OF MY COMFORT zone and open up to people. Here is how I did:
Level 2: I spoke to 27 people
Level 3: of those people I had REAL conversations with 12 people.
Level 4: of those twelve people I had 5 experiences in level 4- one of which was totally about someone else.
I put myself out there. Maybe if I keep putting myself out there others will also put themselves out there, too. It is so easy to stay in our safe zone. To speak to our FRIENDS. You already have enough connections. But what about the new people?? Sometimes I wonder HOW MUCH LONGER will it take for me to make a real connection?
I struggle because I am a people person and I have space for LOTS of good friends. Not everyone is that way. Some really just want a small group of intimate friends. I understand that. But surely I am not alone. Am I??? Am I the only person in my entire church who longs for FRIENDS? REAL friends? I want to be LEVEL 3 with E V E R Y O N E!!!! I need several level 4s and I need lots of level 5s. Come on now, people. Let me in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today our Pastor spoke about small groups- the struggles and what is helpful. The point of encouraging and walking together. At one point he said, "There has to be a commitment to nurture relationships." While this is true, I want to add something to it. There has to be a commitment to START relationships.
7 comments:
Good thoughts! I have often felt the need for those Level 4, Level 5 friendships. Your comments about needing to BE that type of friend were insightful.
Very true post, Amy!I have a hard time with this because I'm much more introverted, but I also need more level 4 and 5 friends. I could go on and on about this right now. Right now, I feel like I'm living on a deserted island. :(
May God bless you because you were honest and you put yourself out there.
I soooo get what you are talking about and appreciate your honesty. I struggled for.ever after college with friends because we were in a friend bubble at college. It wasn't until the last 3 years the Lord answered my desperate pleas for a Level 5 friend and that number has now multiplied to 2 more and several Level 4's. He is faithful Amy and knows your heart. Continue to be transparent, real, and honest, willing to possibly get hurt...just like Him! Every time I read your blog I feel more and more as though we could be kindred spirits! (Rock On Anne Shirley!) ;) {{{{{hugs}}}}}
I have to say after reading this I feel a bit guilty! I was one of the 27 people you tried to talk to and I was so concerned with trying to get the kids and get home to make lunch! I've always thought since I met you that you are a very sweet lady and I should get to know her better! I too need more level 4-5 relationships. I also think that small groups are something that's great but only if you commit yourself to it and decide that you are going to try and get to know people as well as allow people get to know you.. good and bad! After I read this I realized I need to be more of a person that tries to BE that type of friend too! That's where God is working in me! :) Anyways- you've inspired me to be better with that and make more relationships other than just passing and saying "how are you?" the typical lobby convo!
I just read your post. I agree with what you said. First off, let me say, I'm happy to be your friend. I love you and have appreciated our friendship over the years. I'm so glad we got on that same LW team back in College. I have gone to my church for YEARS and still feel that sometime things are way too "surface" with one another. So, this Friday, while Matt is at school, I decided to host a game night and have invited 4 women so far to my home. Thanks for sharing your heart.
I miss you when you aren't at church! The only reason I don't talk to you more or on a deeper level sometimes is because I wait for people to reveal that they want to be open with me because I'm afraid of being a pest. I think sometimes I take your shyness (?) as rejection, which I know is stupid. Just be assured that if I didn't talk to you it was out of silly personal fears and not because I don't want to be a level 4 or 5 friend with you. I do! :) I think you're awesome!
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