Honestly though, my mind is a mess. I hate being unorganized. With a big family and a tiny house it is very important to be organized. Without organization our group cannot function. Unfortunately, my head is crowded with so many different things. To say I'm emotional is an understatement. On the verge of tears often. I can't sort out my thoughts or my feelings.
I'm feeling so thankful about so many things and also annoyed with so many things. WHY am I this way? Why can't I let things go? Why do I get my feelings hurt so much? Why don't I just shrug it off? Why? Why? WHY???? I remind myself over and over again that when I start feeling this way I'm taking the focus off of Christ and putting it onto myself. I know that's wrong.
The first three paragraphs of this blog post are totally jumbled and crazy. This is my mind right now. Unorganized. Going from one thought to another. Perhaps if I list all my thoughts here, no matter how random they are, I'll finally get them all out of my head and be able to look at them and work through them with the Lord. Here it goes. STOP READING RIGHT NOW if you don't want to be frightened.
1. I am thankful for my progress on my shoulder. I see the surgeon on Thursday for a checkup. I probably only have 3 therapies left. :) I will be happy to not have to get up at 6am anymore. Secretly though I'm a little nervous. I still have the same pain as I had before the surgery. Is this because it's still healing OR because the surgery didn't work for me?? Time will tell.
2. I'm getting baptized on Sunday night. I have a BIG fear of water and my head (face) going UNDER the water. Will I be calm and mature and not choke? I've been practicing in the shower. I think I'll be fine. I want to focus on what is being done- obeying the Lord's command to be baptized- and not focus on ME.
3. I keep having the SAME dream. HAUNTING me every now and then. I think I may have blogged about this in the past. It is totally the devil. -May the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14- It's not the words of my mouth that I'm struggling with right now but rather the meditation of my heart. I totally internalize things. I let them stew. Until one day it will be the words of my mouth that I'm struggling with.
Today when I woke up having dreamed it AGAIN I immediately prayed Psalm 19:14. In the past this dream has affected my entire day. Feelings of sadness and hopelessness consumed me. Today I am so thankful that the Lord filled me with His love and peace and I was able to have a wonderful day.
4. I am SO SICK of people and their STUFF. Why does everyone want to tell about their new tv, computer, car, house, etc. ALL THE TIME?? Isn't there anything else to say? Seems it's the same people. I don't know why this bothers me. I grew up being taught that we don't talk about that kind of stuff. You don't discuss money.
5. Facebook is a MAJOR DOWNER. Other than my reoccurring dream, all of the negativeness in my life is on Facebook. I have a few friends who are constantly attacking Christianity. I also have a few friends who are always attacking republicans. I have several friends who complain about EVERYTHING. I have started limiting my time on Facebook because it's starting to affect me.
6. Where the Bible is concerned I am NOT smart at all. I have learned at Maranatha that my knowledge is VERY limited. I feel extremely ignorant when I'm in Sunday School or small group. I need to study.
7. Am I ever going to finish this school year? I sure hope we finish by Friday. I'm so burned out.
8. I miss singing.
I can't think anymore. I started this blog a few hours ago and was interrupted several times because I was babysitting my nieces & nephew. They are gone now and everyone in my house is asleep. I also am ready to shut my eyes. My mixed up mind can't think anymore. If anything, this blog post can serve as prayer requests for me... IF you read to the end. :) Goodnight.
4 comments:
I read to the end, Amy. I'll be praying for you for sure.
As far as FB goes, you can adjust your feed so that only certain people show up in it. If someone is constantly bringing you down, remove them from the feed. You don't have to remove them altogether, and they'll never know that you aren't reading their updates regularly. I think I spend too much time on FB, so, to decrease my time a little, I'm only reading status updates, and people that are always complaining aren't in my feed at all. Who wants to read that? It is a good reminder to pray for them, I guess, but I just can't look at that all the time, especially when I feel like I am personally struggling to get through each day at this very shadowy period of my own life, you know? I feel like I've done too much complaining lately, so I've been focusing on only posting positive updates the past few days. I'm going to make it a mission of mine now!
Also...I think we all need to be studying the Bible. When I read a book of the Bible that I've read and studied over and over, I still find something new. Don't feel like you are any different than anyone else! I'm always feeling like I'm behind the 8 ball when it comes to Biblical knowledge.
I'm going to be praying about all of these things that you mentioned, but I am specifically going to pray about the dream you're having and that any fear that is centered around it goes away!
You are an amazing, Godly woman, Amy. I appreciate you so much!
Alrighty girl...I agree with your friend Kendra!
1. I completely understand the need to just write it all out just to get it out of your head. Go ahead honey! We love you, will read to the end, encourage you, and then also pray for you!
2. QUIT READING the junk on FB that is bringing you down. Hide those people. Your friend Kendra is so wise! Take her advice! FB can be such a powerful tool...so constantly be thinking how you can use it to reflect HIS glory!
3. Don't beat yourself up over the Bible studies. Like your friend says, we all need to be learning more. You are comparing yourself to others...so stop it! ;) You are incredible and have challenged me so much just by being you!
4. I completely understand the dream thing too. UGH! I hate, hate, hate dreams...even good ones because they stay with me for days. I will definitely be praying for you!
Lastly, I hope my words don't sound harsh but that you can sense they are full of love! You are a beautiful, beautiful lady Miss Amy! Keep your eyes FIXED on JESUS, the author and PERFECTOR of your FAITH!
I also read to the end. You are too hard on yourself! I don't want to repeat what the others have said. So, just get on Yahoo chat and we can chat and don't have to be on FB! :) And, we need to have a "real" conversation as well. :)
I'll be praying for you re: baptism. I know it is a special spiritual milestone and you want to be able to focus on that, and not fear.
Love you!
Amy Mathias
praying for you amy! i could have written parts of this post myself. hang in there! i'll be specifically praying for you sunday night. can't wait to see it. i looooove baptisms!
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